There. I said it. In the title. Not such an easy thing to say.
Its commonly heard, but not usually with seriosity.
Me, I'm sort of serious when I say it now.
And it occurs to me that I should record some of the thoughts and perhaps feelings, that I have on the topic.
As an aide memoire perhaps. Or an aid to others who might have similar or related experiences.
First, a little context.
I'm 72 years old, and generally in good (age appropriate) health.
I've been retired from my day job for some 18 months now.
I live solo, but have decent social connections most days.
I have kept a modest number of small projects going since retirement - that are work like, one or two of which are pro bono exercises. Increasingly I find these projects a struggle, but they do come with benefits to be sure.
Fitness and nutrition are daily preoccupations - and I find comfort in attending to these pursuits.
But I digress...
This 'losing my mind' stuff has some history to it. Well before retirement I often thought I might be experiencing some diminution in my cognitive processes.
Often this was related to calendar issues - such as thinking this day was going to involve some event, when it was actually the following day, or week. My sense of time had slightly been disordered, as in not all the necessary brain networks involving 'time' were in sync.
Happily throughout my working career, I had a backup system to help me out. Secretaries. Or clerical assistants if you will. It wasn't fail-safe by any means, but it did rescue me from numerous embarrassments almost certainly. Since retirement however, this safety net is gone. Largely I'm now my own calendar control board.
It bears noting that my 'time appreciation' neural networks have seemed to falter more these last couple of decades than with other similarly situated folks I knew. While I could remember events like others, or almost as good, I was pretty dismal, relatively speaking, at confidently keeping events in the proper sequence.
Example: I was at a gathering. I see & say plenty. Most of which I can remember. But don't ask me if that gathering was before or after some other event (say someone's birthday celebration).
And now to the catalyst for this recording.
Wednesday was a big day for me in some respects.
It held a recently scheduled Golf game with bro Bruce and his son Charlie, and Bruce would pick me up at 6:50 am. With my morning routine, even in the shortened format, I'd need at least an hour and a half between awaking and pickup. And that meant a wake-up that was earlier than usual.
All went well for the next few hours.
Good weather, a good outing, good company and enough successful golf shots (say one out of 5) to keep a smile on my face.
A full lunch at Overtime Grill followed - with a Ceasar.
I was beat. My back was aching - in no small part due to the bumpy cart ride that aggravated my lower vertebrae - the site of previous traumas. And my knees were hurting, due partly no doubt to the 7,000 steps I'd taken on the 18 hole course.
I got home by 2:30. Unpack and a quick tok and it was time, overdue, for a nap.
I'd been up for almost 10 hours - very unusual for my post retirement routines. These days a nap is usually in line after not more than 8 hours of standup/sit down activity.
I crashed good. Man, I 'was out cold', as they say. Total lack of consciousness, at least no memory of anything.
Obviously my body and brain were in recovery mode as was to be expected.
And in due course, consciousness returns. Not instantly of course. But it was not a prolonged exercise either.
And with the light from outside, I didn't need to turn on the bathroom light for my pee.
At about this time, the automatic morning routine kicked into gear.
Get my four meds. Prepare for a throne visit. Laptop, table, coffee, bagel and peanut butter, smokes, lighter, iPhone, and do my business including the morning online papers.
Then to the kitchen, which serves as my office - papers, and writing tools, and binders, and print calendars.
Make an entry for the day, which I note is on a new full page.
And also finish up the entry for the golf day, on which my normal routine for record keeping had been altered.
It was then that I learned that I'd messed up with the Garbage. It has to go out Wed. for an early morning pickup on Thursday. How embarrassing. To be clear my monthly calendar clearly shows Thurs as garbage day. And then I thought to myself, 'Silly goose, why do you mark the calendar on the Thursdays, when the garbage has to go out Wednesday night.' Oh well... live and learn.
As I was mentally digesting this I was sensing, osmotically perhaps, that something was amiss.
That was followed by the realization that it was quite dark outside. I could hardly see clearly across the street.
Perhaps there was some ugly storm brewing - not that I had remembered hearing of one coming.
And in the midst of this Darkness, comes the revealing Light.
It ain't morning. It's still Wednesday night. Argggghhhh.
Those entries I had just made in my Journal. All fouled up. Situation normal. AFU SN. or as WWll vets would say SNAFU.
To me this is what 'losing my mind' conjures up.
epilogue: I wonder if I could consider this post as the first of a series entitled "Losing My Mind".
Seems like a contemporary theme. Arguably under-reported.
Lord knows I have plenty of other facets of the issue to report on. And the trend lines are obvious. And the wrong time to attend to this endeavour is after I have lost it....